i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
