I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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