You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He? As in you personified your dick?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
