yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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