Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
