You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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