every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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