Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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