Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
