You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
