I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
