Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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