If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
only if we run a train.
done.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
