wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
