FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
