Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think I sprained my soul last night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
