i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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