Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
