Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
