My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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