Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
