Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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