It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
