Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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