My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just want nice things and good sex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
