I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You need Xanax blowdarts
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
