forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
