you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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