i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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