you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
