He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
