So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
