They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
