Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have tasted many bathrooms
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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