I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
