Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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