I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
