So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
