I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
