Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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