I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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