I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
