I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
