you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
