Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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