2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
