Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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