You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
