woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
