Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
