I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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