I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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