We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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